For divorced or never-married parents, the ability to co-parent effectively is crucial to the well-being of their children (and even of themselves). Co-parenting well requires mindfulness and dedication on the part of both parents. Even with the best intentions of each parent, there are many barriers that can affect the ability to co-parent well.
One barrier is the parenting plan itself. Standard possession orders, the default plan for many, may not meet a family’s particular needs. Or, as children grow or a parent changes jobs, a modification of the original plan may be necessary. Those who need to modify their parenting plans should consider mediation, a process that is cost-effective and confidential. Mediation can generally be completed much faster than working through the court system.
Unresolved feelings toward the co-parent, such as anger or betrayal, can also interfere with the co-parenting relationship. Unfortunately, some parents are unable to move forward from a breakup or divorce. They often find it difficult to separate the needs of the children from their own emotional turmoil. Typical results include sabotaging visitation schedules, failure to pay child support, and speaking negatively about the other parent to the children. Parents have a legal obligation to comply with the parenting plan and to refrain from engaging in parent alienation. Children have a right to spend time with and have the best relationship possible with both parents. If unresolved feelings are a barrier in your co-parenting relationship, counseling is highly recommended. If your co-parent is non-compliant and unwilling to work through the issues or seek help, the only recourse might be to seek enforcement through the court.
Another barrier to effective co-parenting can be differences in parenting styles. When one parent insists that rules and routines be exactly the same at each household, conflict can easily develop. Differences in bedtime, when and how to do homework, amount of screen time, etc. can all lead to battles. Differences in religious practices can be very divisive and add to the problems. The arguments may be based on perceptions of what is best for the children, but the conflict itself con be quite disruptive and stressful. Parents should first recognize that children can and do adapt to different rules and systems in different situations. Most students have multiple teachers during the school day and adapt to the rules and expectations of each. Furthermore, parents need to recognize and accept that they cannot control what happens at the other household. Save the discussions for the most important issues only and be sure the discussions happen privately and respectfully, away from the children.
Compromise and resolution should always be the goals when co-parents have issues to discuss. Those who find it difficult to communicate respectfully or productively should consider working with a mediator or even a parent coordinator. These professionals can facilitate respectful communication and decision making. A mediator can help with a modification or with resolution of specific issues. A parent coordinator serves as a coach, modeling and teaching the skills necessary to work together effectively moving forward.
The take-away is that struggles with co-parenting do not need to be a permanent condition. There are many possible solutions! Below is a list of actions that can help when effective co-parenting is a struggle:
Participate in Divorce Support Groups to learn how to cope better
Join a Parenting Group to listen and share experiences with others
Attend Counseling Sessions to work through unresolved issues
Modify the Parenting Plan, or create one if needed
Mediate with a Professional Family Mediator
Seek a Parent Coordinator and attend all sessions to learn important skills
Last resort, Ask the Court for Legal Enforcement of your current plan
Your children are worth the effort!
If Mediation or Parent Coordination could help in your situation, please schedule a no-obligation consultation to see how we can best serve you.
Kimberly Barahona, Professional Family Mediator and Parent Coordinator
832-439-3581 / kbarahona@bcmediation.net