Holiday Conflict?

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and Christmas is barely a month away! Amid the joy and celebrations, many of us also experience some level of conflict during the holidays. Thankfully there are a few strategies we can employ to manage the conflict and keep the holidays joyful.

Too many relatives with unsolicited advice? Simply listen and acknowledge. Does Great-Aunt Lou insist on giving advice about disciplining your children? Or does Grandma Mary explain at every gathering how to make the perfect pot roast so you can keep your husband happy? Take a deep breath. Try not to take the advice as personal criticism or to get defensive. Instead, focus on the speaker, listen, and ask questions. It’s not important that you agree with the advice. Most of the time, people just want to be heard. Try saying something like, “Thank you for sharing that. You’ve given me a lot to think about.”

Cornered by a contentious relative? Agree to disagree. Is your uncle a know-it-all? Or does your cousin have extreme political views? No worries! Take a deep breath and accept that you cannot and will not change them, no matter how eloquent your arguments may be. Before your gathering, think about how to graciously deflect an argument. For example, “You know, I think we really just have totally different perspectives on that. Let’s just agree to disagree.” You might then need to change the subject quickly so you don’t get pulled into a debate. “Hey, have you tried Grandma’s chocolate merengue pie? It’s even better than last year.”

Someone steps over the line and smashes all boundaries? Employ an I-Statement.

Every family has one - that person who seems to enjoy provoking others by making racist or other inappropriate remarks. There comes a point when a statement just cannot be ignored. At the same time, no one wants to blow up a family celebration with an argument. Tread carefully! Try an I-Statement as a strategy to clearly communicate the problem and the change that needs to take place. For example, “I feel angry when you say that real men don’t belong in the kitchen and only women should do women’s work. There is nothing gender specific about cleaning or cooking. In my family we share the work and no one is less masculine or more feminine due to the chores they do. I need you to show respect to me and my family by refraining from making this type of sexist remark at our family gatherings. Would you be willing to do that?” Caveats: First, try to employ this strategy privately lest the person become very defensive. Secondly, be careful not to be lured into a pointless debate. Stick to your specific request and then move on to visit with others or help out in some way.

In conclusion, these strategies may not work magic in all situations, but they do go a long way to help keep the peace. Remember, it is always work the effort to be gracious and polite, even when working through conflict.

Wishing you a happy and peaceful holiday season

Barahona Consulting and Mediation

832-439-3581 bcmediation.net